If This, Then That

If you’re sickas a dog too, then you should join us for a...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:30:19 -0600

If you’re sickas a dog too, then you should join us for a day of TV-on-DVD in bed. (Cough, cough, cough, sneeze, cough)

If you’re here, then I wish you’d say hi. I feel...

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:15:12 -0600

If you’re here, then I wish you’d say hi. I feel lonely.

My dog watches the neighborhood from his third floor view. If...

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 16:27:14 -0600

My dog watches the neighborhood from his third floor view. If you’re in the Ukrainian Village, then don’t worry. Brentley will make sure you’re safe.

I’m assuming this refers to physical pain, but if it...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:31:41 -0600

I’m assuming this refers to physical pain, but if it includes emotional, then I’m putting this number on speed dial.

This was my favorite guerilla public art piece in Chicago. So...

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:26:35 -0600

This was my favorite guerilla public art piece in Chicago. So much my favorite that I wanted to steal it and put it in my living room. Nobody would help me carry the 100+ pound piece, so it sat behind the Damen bus stop at Division. That is until sone ass-hat tagged it. If you look closely, then you can still see traces of awesomeness: a woman strumming away in front of a gorgeous view of Chicago. Now the art is next to the dumpster. Sad.

audreyhepburncomplex: If you want to be popular, you can’t...

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:53:47 -0600

audreyhepburncomplex:

If you want to be popular, you can’t afford to be skinny!

If there’s a warm pile of clean laundry, then you’ll...

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 11:16:47 -0600

If there’s a warm pile of clean laundry, then you’ll find my dog burying himself in it.

"If discipline is the route to success then distractions and complaints are the scenic roads and..."

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:17:10 -0600

“If discipline is the route to success then distractions and complaints are the scenic roads and outlet malls calling out your name.”

- says rikin.

If you know who tags “Forgive” around Chicago, then...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:14:56 -0600

If you know who tags “Forgive” around Chicago, then tag me jealous. I’ve seen it everywhere from Hyde Park to Uptown, and as far west as Humboldt Park. I’m a huge fan.

If you’re quirky, then I’m interested. This retro...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:37:19 -0600

If you’re quirky, then I’m interested. This retro ATM bears no bank name or fee list. I wanted to withdraw cash just to see if it worked, but I was concerned I’d never see my card again, or any of my money. If someone else is brave enough, then the ATM is located at 3747 N Southport in Chicago.

Crunch: the name of a chocolate bar, but the sound of leaves and...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:09:59 -0600

Crunch: the name of a chocolate bar, but the sound of leaves and hearts being stomped on. Chocolate improves both, but fixes nothing. If only I liked chocolate, but perhaps a chocolate stout will do, since I always like beer.

If you need tips on breaking up over IM, then here's a tutorial:

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:38:20 -0600

Him: good morning, Elisha...
Him: i would like to have one of those "not terribly fun" conversations with you, if you're game
Me: Weird, ok.
Him: well, you've probably noticed i haven't been as communicative as before, so you likely know what's up
Him: there's someone else i meet randomly at a play a few weeks ago, since been dating, and its getting more serious
Him: so, i wanted you to know that even though i genuinely enjoy hanging out with you, had a lot of fun on saturday, and think you're awesome, that probably shouldn't continue now
Me: Well, thank you.
Him:: i just wanted to be totally up front with you, and last night is when the decision was made that things had become more serious
Him: and i figured that would be the cue for me to talk to you about it
Me: It's really not a big deal. Enjoy.
Him: well, okay
Me: What do you expect? It hurts. I feel bad. But it's good for you, so that's great. It's fine.
Him: yeah, that sounds about right, i feel bad in my own way too
Him: not that that helps
Me: No, and you shouldn't feel bad.
Me: Anyway. Good luck. Congratulations. Whatever is said now.
Him: yeah, i don't know what exactly is said
Him: but i hope that life is good for you
Him: good bye, then
Me: (ran away to cry)

If you’re new to Chicago, then you must drink a shot of...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:16:00 -0600

If you’re new to Chicago, then you must drink a shot of Malört. If you’ve had Malört, then introduce someone new (and unsuspecting). Tonight I’m taking a new-to-Chicago friend to the locals-only bars, all serving Malort in dusty bottles. It will be a jolly good time. I fully expect to do nothing at all tomorrow (except maybe vomit).

"If Gillette were in the silverware business, how many prongs would a fork have?"

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:15:00 -0600

“If Gillette were in the silverware business, how many prongs would a fork have?”

- (via creynolds)

If you pay per word, then I'll write for days.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:50:28 -0600

Newest article idea: 67 Ways to Please Your Man and Normalize Trade Relations with China.

Next up:

Nine Sex Positions to Stimulate the US Economy
Ten Insanely Hot Girls Who Want You To Support the Kyoto Protocol
The Joy of Sex Under Communism
Bombs in Iraq to Make Him Rip Off Your Pants
Karzai’s brother, the CIA and the Furred Handcuffs That Kept Them Together

I continue to combine my interests in sex and international politics.

"At the very least, be emotionally available and up for adventure. Wishy-washiness blows. If you..."

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:08:00 -0600

“At the very least, be emotionally available and up for adventure. Wishy-washiness blows. If you don’t follow your heart then we probably aren’t going to get along. I’d much rather do the wrong thing and be super happy than be righteous and boring and drab.”

- My ex has this on his dating profile. He’s right.

If I keep waking up at 6am, then I’ll never need an alarm...

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:42:34 -0600

If I keep waking up at 6am, then I’ll never need an alarm clock again. I will likely go insane though. That’s the only down side.

"If we want to be the global leader in HIV, we need to act like it."

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:22:38 -0500

““If we want to be the global leader in HIV, we need to act like it.””

- Obama Lifts HIV Travel/Immigration Ban - Feministing

If I read about it, then I’ll have to do it. Remember that...

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:37:03 -0500

If I read about it, then I’ll have to do it. Remember that article about giving your man a beer in the shower to cheer him up? Yeah, I tried it. I gave myself a beer in the shower and had a great time. My day improved instantly. Try it. Just be careful drunk texting from the shower.

If I see cereal from my childhood, then I have to stock up....

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:35:00 -0500

If I see cereal from my childhood, then I have to stock up. Franken Berry is the most rare, but Boo Berry is my favorite of the two. Target had boxes on sale for $1.99. Today I bought one of each, but tomorrow I’ll be back for more.