If you don’t know me in real life, then none of this will make any sense.

Recently I made it to 11,111 Tweets. I had a party to celebrate. The day after I was so exhausted from tweeting 100+ times a day that I jokingly retired. I started tweeting 16 hours later. In that time I kept drafts of tweets on my iPhone. Here they are.

• 1) I slept on my couch. 2) My couch is soaking wet with spilled bourbon. 3) I am wet and smell delicious. 
• I want pizza. 
• Cleaning up is easy when party guests finish all of their beer. 
• I need to have another party to drink all of this beer. 
• There is one can of Yuengling Lager left. How is that possible? (Yes, can, not bottle.)
• My apartment smells yeasty. My calves are not cooperating. These are related. 
• I sometimes wonder how I have friends at all, really. 
• Parts of my body that I am convinced are broken: neck, back, both lower legs, right arm, right wrist, jaw. They are not broken. 
• I am still checking twitter but I am not posting on it. I am not tweeting but I am writing what I would tweet if I were. Normal. 
• I have locked myself out of my apartment twice today. 
• I am eating breadsticks in my apartment building hallway because I can’t get into my apartment. Also, I am not wearing shoes. 
• 30 minutes later, I’m still locked out of my apartment. 
• Whoever locked the bottom lock on my apartment door last night, YOU’RE THE REASON THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME. 
• I obviously take no personal responsibility in my own well-being. My friends do a great job taking care of me so I don’t have to. 
• In 45 minutes and after $50, I can get back into my apartment. I hope my iPhone battery lasts that long. 
• It really could be worse. Somehow. I think. I don’t know. 
• I am safely in my apartment. Maintenance dude has now seen my bed covered in vibrators and my apartment reeking of alcohol. He’s cute. I think he likes me. 
• Even my dog’s paws are sticking to the kitchen floor. 
• Party #4 was dedicated to the SUPERMOON, and I never saw it. Party #5 was never determined. Party #1-3 happened. 
• My life lately has involved me trampling on the ends of committed relationships or bringing estranged exs back together. Whoops on both counts. 

If I don’t return this chair to IKEA today then I have to do it tomorrow. If I don’t do it tomorrow, I’m stuck with pieces of chair forever.

IKEA pieces are supposed to fit together, and I’m not supposed to be this lazy.

"If you talk about “banging that chick,” I will bang you over the head."

If I didn’t have a dog at home, I imagine I’d sleep in my car a lot. Driving home can be so exhausting.

But I do have a dog, and he takes up half the bed as it is, so sleeping in a car together would be very tight.

Apparently, if we post it, Twitter owns it. Ridiculous. →

(via @snarkyvegan, @jumblejim)

"‎”If we did all of the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves."

Thomas Edison

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You shut down, Buffy. And you’ve been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he’s the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He’s never held back with you. He’s risked everything. And you’re about to let him fly because you don’t like ultimatums? If he’s not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn’t there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy… I’m talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need… if you’re ready for that… then think about what you’re about to lose.

— Xander, Buffy Season 5 Episode 10

"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

Emily Post. cf. “It’s not where you take things from — it’s where you take them to.” —Jean-Luc Godard via Jim Jarmusch, Golden Rules of Filming See also: Tim Gunn’s Golden Rules and related, his 5 Ways to Make It in Fashion (e.g., be polite)

(Source: bobulate)

"Good exists. Bad exists. There is some disagreement which is which."

If I were asked to utter some last words, a few final thoughts to capture all I’d learned in 29 long-short years, this would have to suffice. Given enough time before the gallows, I’d add:

“Maybe we are cups of water from the same sea. Sometimes you still feel lonely.”

(via cursivebuildings)

If you’re looking for afternoon tunes, fourteen albums are streaming on NPR Music until September 14. Including Mavis Staples, Of Montreal, Steve Reich, Junip, The Walkman, and Robert Plant….Enjoy! (via nprfreshair)

(via seaofstatic)